Tag Archives: communicating

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Building Resilience

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At various times in our lives, virtually everyone goes through a process of adapting in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, and other significant sources of stress.

Situations that require the practice of resilience as a major part of perseverance through the unsettling change are unavoidable.  Our ability to adapt and move to the other side has a natural and learned component and strengthening this skill enables us to move on.

Get Through It

While it is important to get past a change without adverse effects on our health (mental or physical) this is not a process to be rushed nor ignored.

Just hoping it will resolve itself with time often leads to the deeper internal stress which festers.  Likewise rushing to get it over with does not address the root cause and again might not really resolve problems.

We need to move through the change leveraging planning, communication, and problem-solving skills to help us overcome the stressful and adverse impacts.

Focus on Opportunity

Our innate resilience can be a counter to change resistance.  However, it is important to bolster your level of resilience by behaving in ways that enhance the change experience.

Ask questions, seek clarifications, speak out clearly (but calmly) about how you feel.  Sharing can elicit helpful feedback from others which can guide you in ways to help yourself.

Plan how you will behave rather than react.  This gives you time to think through scenarios and is more likely to result in positive responses from others, as opposed to them experiencing explosive behavior on your part.

Studies have shown we can enhance and grow our resilience skills.  Change is inevitable, strong resilience will be needed from time to time and you will thank yourself for being ready.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Matrix or Heirarchy

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Groups we are part of, from family thru work to public and government, operate on a either a matrix or hierarchical structure or a mix of all points in-between.

While hierarchies have clear levels of authority and strong well-defined relationships between them a matrix structure will have multiple interactions and reporting relationships and is not rigidly organized around power and accountability.

For Example

The traditional family structure is very hierarchical.   It begins with  the male designated as the the head of household (top of the hierarchy), his wife second in command, and the children underlings.  The authority of the father was tantamount.

In most recent times this structure has multiple variations with the partners sharing authority and in some cases the progeny are even so independent as to live within their own silos organizationally speaking.

The traditional structure of layered well defined authority, where respect is more granted by dint of position versus being earned, has morphed overtime to a more flexible organization based on need.

Distinguishing Factors

Matrix structures tend to produce more creative and higher quality results.  The practices and outcomes defined by this type of structure demonstrate a greater degree of sustainability.

The downside of matrix organizations are a reflection of  the key benefit of the main plus of hierarchies, that is the ability to be nimble, make and enforce quick decisions.

Operating within a matrix structure can be harder to do and require greater individual effort from everyone within the organization but the results can be much more gratifying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Silence speaks volumes

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Not speaking appears to be a less than effective way to communicate.  In fact not making or being accompanied by sound can send a powerful message.

Phrases like “strong and silent”, “silence is golden”, “silent night” associate the term with positive attributes.  The reality is silence is a powerful tool in your communication kit bag.

Repeating

Like banging your head against a wall does little more than hurt you, being part of a discussion where the point is reinforced through verbal repetition can be painful.

For many, there is an innate belief that if you repeat it enough then it will become true.  Interesting logic, however, in my experience this has never been the case.

Surprisingly to some, silence often proves more powerful in selling an argument than filling the space verbally, most of which (if not all) just get tuned out.

Speak and Wait

Silence is often treated by others as wisdom.  We generally don’t even know we are doing this.  Speak a few words, then wait.  Let others fill the silence.

Many times I have observed this technique to return powerful and positive results.  Often others will flesh in your arguments without prompting.  All you need to do is wait, quietly and voila.

Written or Spoken

Words are most powerful when there are few of them but the meaning is clear.  Consider the simple phrases; “I go now”,  “Let’s go”, Should we go?” or just “Go!”

The most powerful and commanding of the four is just the one word that works every time. The other phrases could lead to questions like; “Where are you going?”, ” Why should we go?”.

The single word go brooks no challenge, it contains its own simple clarity.  Just (implied) GO.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Getting Your Message Across

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When communicating with others you, in simple terms, you first decide what message you want to convey and then craft it in a way others will understand.

The challenge is crafting your message in the context of the recipient’s filters.  Most likely you shape what you say based on your own knowledge and bias.

Target the Audience

To be understood, your communication needs to fit the perceptions and context of your audience not your own.   We all filter what we hear within the context of our personal bias and thinking processes.

How you think about things, that is the way incoming information is processed varies for all of us.  By default, our own outgoing messages are formated based on how we think.

This can be confusing to the recipient.  The tendency is to process what we see and hear based both on what we know and believe as well as the way we assume the communication is structured (which may be different from what the sender intended).

The better we are able to anticipate the way the listeners/readers will filter our information, the more likely the intended meeting will match (both sender and receiver).

Validate

The risk of the intended meaning not be transmitted fully is high.  Even if you try to be fully aware of your audience’s expectations it is not always possible to craft your thoughts in a way their filters will get.

Checking to confirm the intended message was received is not foolproof either but a worthwhile exercise to at least help identify if disconnects exist and attempt to repair them.

The key is not to expect others will transcribe your meaning as intended and it is well worthwhile to probe and follow-up to avoid misunderstandings.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Ponderous and Pretenious

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Sometimes written and verbal communications can include two unsettling properties.  They could appear to be ponderous or pretentious.

Unfortunately, the ultimate objective of the communication might be of value but the subjective perspective of the listener/reader that it is solemn, dull and laborious quickly leads to an attention deficit and most likely the message is lost.

Fake packaging

Another way to ensure your message is blocked occurs when you attempt to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than you actually possess.

When you are perceived as ponderous or pretentious, or even both, the ability to impact and influence others is greatly diminished.  You might believe you are lively and believable but if others don’t, it is game over.

Keeping it Real and Sharp

Others judgements are very impactful on your ability to achieve.  Your personal enjoyment and pleasure cannot always be derived  solo, the ability to positively interacting with others is needed to complete your pleasure dome.

This requires you to pay attention and use other peoples verbal and non- verbal queues to determine how they are perceiving your input.

It is usually not that hard to determine if your message is being lost.  Consider the cause, your behaviour, and make a change.  Check through probing questions why you are being perceived negatively.

Ponderous behaviours are typically repetitive, slow and boring.  Pretentiousness is usually all about attitude.  Loose the better than you intonation and body language.

Being viewed as ponderous, pretentious or both does you no favours.  Make the change..

 

 

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Sharing Success and Failure

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We sometimes believe sharing failures is a sign of weakness and sharing success is arrogant.   As a result, many of us are not as open as we could be.

The reality, demonstrated by many studies, is the regular sharing of success and failure with others (team, family, colleagues, etc) provides far more benefits than concealment.

Being Aware

Failure is not a lack of weakness.  I prefer to view it as a sign of confidence.  Without confidence you won’t attempt things that you could fail at, hence you won’t fail.

Success leads to happiness and although it may sound unintuitive most people relish the success of others, it makes us all feel good.  For the most part, everyone genuinely enjoys achievements whether their own or others.

Concealing these things from others, thinking it will depress them (failure) or make them jealous (individual success) is just a silly approach.  It is not accurate.

Please much prefer to be in the know relative to what is happening.  The majority of us are mature enough to handle good and bad news without falling apart.   Being excluded is far more detrimental than being informed.

Motivation

Holding back information is demotivating.  People you interact with can sense when you are holding back.  The things you don’t share will be unlikely to demotivate.  The unknown is scary to others and leads to insular behavior.

When others are unsure they tread carefully.  They are unlikely to challenge and push ahead.  Fear of what you are keeping secret is demotivating to them.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Express Yourself

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Our feelings can often drive how we express ourselves.  We want to show our feelings in a way other people can understand, not be offended and respond appropriately.

Or sometimes we want to hide our feelings as expressing them may do more damage than help.  A key component of managing your feelings is expressing them positively, containing them when appropriate.

Control

Communicating in a respectful way how you feel is not only more likely to achieve results, it’s also a way to reduce your own levels of stress.

Being proactive in dealing with potentially difficult situations arising from your feelings can be a very beneficial outlet.  Storing your angst and frustration is much more stressfull than addressing it.

The challenge is to communicate in a way that does not escalate your feelings but rather puts them to bed.  This requires both careful thought and the exercise of control.

You are in Charge

The key to managing your responses to strong feelings is ensuring your associated behaviours are targeted toward outcomes.  Think through what results you desire, emotions aside, than plan actions likely to lead to the desired effect.

Consciously take charge of your actions, don’t let your feelings overwhelm you.  This will allow you to avoid reacting like a volcano.  If you do explode be sure it is a planned and measured one.

Expressing yourself is an individual activity.  It is about you.  Others cannot do it for you nor should their actions overtly influence you to expressions you may regret.

Take charge of your feelings and the results will be gratifying.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Fair Treatment

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Do other people treat you the way you expect to be treated?  Believe it or not, you are the largest influencer of how others behave toward you. 

Studies show other people judge our behaviour in just seven seconds.  Your attitude, how you ask for something, respond to a request or your body language are all key tells as to how you will be recieved, percieved and ultimately reacted to.

Think it Through

The you want people to react can be influenced.  Both your body language and verbal communications are key contriutors to this.  In fact though everything from appearance to demeaner are factors.

There are times when how you approach a topic is well worth planning in advance, mainly that is when you are seeking to get something. 

Increasing your chances of success can be as simple as  juding the other persons bias and catering to it.  Juding others in seven seconds is a two way street, how you use this judgement is a choice.

Plan yourApproach

If you can plan the best way to achieve your goals, getting treatment that meets your expectations, before engaging someone, it is helpful.

 This is not always possible and  even if advance preparation is not possible  careful crafting your approach in context of what the other person seeks in the moment will increase you chance of being treated as desired.

Basically, give the people what they want.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Focus on the A

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Experiential learning is a extremely powerful way to identify opportunities for improvement.  Through observation and feedback you can uncover things to change, try or even not to do.

Surprisingly, often the learning is something you already knew and you might  think “ I knew that, why did I ignore my inclination and proceed anyway”?

There is no answer to this auestion, that I am aware of, beyond the fact it is human nature to not always pay attention to your inner thoughts.  Sometime they are just  present to be ignored.

Play to your Audience

The other day I encountered a clear case of experiential learning.  It was about something I understood intuitively, but ignored.

I failed to focus on the audience perspective during a recent information share to a group of colleagues.  I often interract with groups of technologists with a strong foundational knowledge of digital software and infrastructure.

Without thought to the core background of the audience I proceeded on the assumption basic technology concepts did not need to be explained.

Assumptions are Dangerous

Assuming knowledge leads to misunderstanding, confusion and worse disenfranchising the audience such that they are not receptive to any message.

The opportunity to share information for the benefit of all could well be lost because of the simple misstep of assuming rather than confirming, ( i.e knowing with certainty)

Through observation and subsequent feedback it was clear I had been guilty of this simple principle.  This is not to suggest being overly simple but rather tailor the information exchange to match the audiences perspective.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

W.A.I.T.

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I attended a communications workshop today a came away with some new concepts.  These ideas around how to understand your own communication behaviours are worth sharing.

The communication spectrum

In a very simple model, your communication behaviours can be mapped to your level of confidence and comfortability.

On the left side of the spectrum you feel very vulnerable, typically your participation in meetings and conversations is limited.  On the far right of the spectrum you you are happy to speak out to the point of appearing aggressive and dominant.

Those on the far left focus on others while those on the far right focus on themselves.  Behaving in a balanced way focuses your communications on whats best for everyone.

Speak and Listen

Balanced communication require constant awareness.  You must be attentive to all things going on and behave accordingly.  This cannot be intermittant but rather perpetual.

When you are speaking on a subject, occassionally pause and think to yourself W.A.I.T .  This is the acronym for why am I talking.  It is a great self check to prevent you talking too much.

Self Aware

Be clear about how you feel, (i.e., assertive) but also empathetic of all others who are participating in the communication is critical to keeping your behavior balanced.

if you are talking for yourself it usually has little effect and  creates a barrier to your ability to gain the greatest benefit form shared discussion.

Treat your communication focus on we and us not I and you.  The results will really please you.