Category Archives: Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Focus on the problem not the person

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Years ago I came to the conclusion that often discussions escalate into a focus on peoples personalities, leaving the issue real issue behind.  As a result, it becomes a form of argument.

In this case, the argument is not an exchange of diverging or opposite views about the issues but rather becomes a reason or set of reasons,  focused on the other parties shortcomings.  These are disguised as being about the issue.

Attack

In reality these points are formulated with the aim of explaining why the other person is wrong.   This justification become the topic of discussion and the root cause becomes irrelavent.

I have have learned to recognize the use of a pro-noun typically means the discussion is getting off course.Unfortunately without diagnosing the problem, but focusing on the other people the argument quickly becomes personal and though it probably was not intended it degenerates to attack/ defend, in essence a battle.

Ironically if you pause and focus on the aspects of the discussion outside of the interpersonal, I find the perspectives on the actual problem are usually in sync.

That is, although the conversation may become heated the differences are almost exclusively related to the personal attacks (i.e., your behavioural justifications).

In fact, after careful and reasoned thought, you will probably realize both parties are identifing a identical issue, root cause and solution.  It just sounds like that is not the case.

I have have learned to recognize the use of a pro-noun typically means the discussion is getting off course.  When this happens I stop talking, think about what the issues actually is and refocus the discussion.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Spawning Leaders

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A well documented innate human behavior is the way each of us develops our values in a social context.   This does not refer to the imitation or copying of others behaviors directly but rather basing our own actions on how we percieve the actions of others.

Environment Impacts

In the context of human development, nature versus nurture refers to behavioral practices we are born with (nature) and those generated from environmental influences (nurture).

From childhood to adult, there is always a part of our “go-to” behavior that develops from our observation of others.  Many believe this is more impactful during childhood (when we have more of a blank slate) but it applies throughout our lives.

Influencing Others Behaviours

Whether children (yours or others), colleagues, friends or anyone, how you behave is a key influencer relative to how the others develop their own personal behaviour values.

This  concept is key toward building a world of leaders.  That is by exemplifing your leader skills to others you provide a framework for them to build their own leadership skills on.

Just Tell them to do it

I had a conversation the other say about how to shape a culture, regardles of context, home, business, other, the most powerfull approach is not to tell others how to behave, rather show them. It really work.

Likewise, be open yourself to be shown the way by others.  This adds value to everyone  and ultimately the overall  cutural improvements spiral up.  Consequences, logical explanations or being shown the way, I choose the later every time.

 

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

The spirit is within you

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Your physical presence forms the baseline of your existence.  Your health is the framework on which your spirit relies. Spirit is  is the non-physical part of you, that is the seat of emotions and character; your soul.

Possibly more important to your overall well being than the physical is your spirit.  By their very nature our spirits can be indomitable.  That is impossible to subdue or defeat.

Leveraging Your Spirit

Physical strength and stamina set a baseline for your active abilities. Your spirit though is your true strength.  You can rely on your spirit to carry you through any circumstances.

Leveraging your spirit requires only recognition of it’s presence and a willingness to use it to support your actions, whether physical, mental or both.

Your spirit is the most powerful energy source you have. The key is believing in its existence, this is the first step to  accessing and then unleashing  the energy.

Focus on you.  Your personal spiritual engery is yours release and power your achievements.  The key to this power is its capability to enable you to be successful.

Your spirit is a force to be reckoned with, one that cannot be overcome and will serve only your purpose not that of others.  Your spirit is the energy within you and it is yours to weld.

Great Power

There is great power contained within your spirit.  Many do not use theirs to full effect, often because they do not realize what a great tool it is nor recognize what can be accomplished by harnessing its energy.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Being who you want to be

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Imagining what you want to be is how you become what you are.  A colleague lamented to me, “if only it was that easy”.  Arguably, it depends on the interpretation.

Reasonability

If you imagine being a prince or princess with great wealth and respect, in a literal sense, there is a high risk you will not become that. Figuratively speaking, maybe you can.

Imagining things that are in the realm of the possible (reasonable expectations, albeit they may be stretch goals) is a technique which supports the achievement of the goal.

Imagining the end point does not need to be exact.  For example if you imagine yourself a world class athlete, stepping up to the podium for your gold medal, taken-in the figurative sense, that is to be a successful athlete, your imagination can be a valuable guide.

Seeing, Acting, Achieving

Visualizing your success, even if an exaggerated version of it, helps you believe it is possible.  Confidence based on belief begins in your brain.

The caution of course is not to become overconfident,  but rather leverage the imagination as a guide, not as an absolute.  Striving for excellence in your mind is a beginning, ultimately though you do need to focus on the possible.

Imagine what you want to be, then become what you imagine within the constrants of reality.  This is not dreaming, rather it is a practicle approach to goal setting.

 

 

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Perpetually Feeling Good

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If you are  repeatedly in a content, happy serene state of being; so frequent as to seem endless and uninterrupted, you are perpetually happy.

Being mentally calm and emotionally clear at all times is a admirable objective.  Over the centuries, humans have developed many techniques to achieve this state of absolute happiness.

Meditation

A well known example of these techniques is meditation.  This practice is used to attain a state of Zen, Chan or Dhyana (Japanese, Chinese and Indian terms for a place of real contentment.)

Meditation or any of the numerous other practices aimed at achieving personal understanding and contentment, are tools that can help you progress to this state and remain there.

Mostly though the practices are all underlined by the practitioner desires and willingness to focus.  No matter how you  choose to progress to a zen state, if you do not believe it is achievable and focus on that belief, success is not likely.

Life to Its Fullest

A state of perpetual happiness does not refer to the absence of negative emotions (both positive and negative always exist in tandem) rather happiness is the place where you have a clear control  of your emotions.

Feelings don’t make you, just the opposite, you determine how and why and the appropriateness of the mutitude of  feelings you may have at any given time.

Calm, clear and emotionally in full control you own happiness (it does not inform you, it is you).

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Winning Strategies

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Most peoples lives are structured like a game.  Games are a form of play with rules and different levels of competitiveness.  The goals typically determine how competitive the game is.

Consider, throughout your life you are measured whether through tests at school, or for skills and competency (swimming, driving), performance at paid work or even unpaid work and the list goes on.

Judged Against Others

Most of these tests or assessments are to judge you against others.  That is you are competing against other people and your results determine if you win.

Think of competing for a job or a post secondary education, a spot on a professional sports team.  All these are competitive activities, based on rules and result in winners or losers.

How important is it?

Some of the games we play are not particluarly critical and our desire to win may be low or even non-existant but pretty well everyone gets caught up in a game that really matters to them from time to time.

So, whats a good strategy to win the game?   Before I consider playing to win, I wonder why I am playing at all and if it is the best thing for me.

Do I need to compete to achieve my personal goals and what is the impact on doing so?  Largely over time I have come to the conclusion I am personally better off not playing.

My competitive moments are not against others but against myself. Its not a game because there are no other players and the winning determination is soley at my discretion.

This is not to say I don’t play games, I do, they are only for fun and enjoyment.  My life is not a game, it is not a competition, it is not a series of achievements that enable me to label myself a winner.

My life is focused on my own enjoyment, as long as I don’t impinge on the enjoyment of others.

 

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Behaviour Values

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Your personal values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live and work.  For the greatest level of internal serenity the  way you behave should be in accord with your values.

When others believe your behaviour is wrong and ask you to change,  assuming your behaviours are consistent with your values (i.e., your integrity is intact) there is a problem.

Behavioural Issues

I heard an interesting story the other day about a frustrated mother attempting to stop her nine year old daughter from lying.  After one confrontation the daughter demonstrated an amazing level of maturity.

“Mom”, she said “ The issue is not my telling lies, rather its the fact you don’t want me to”.  Out of the mouths of babes.  What the young girl was questioning was why she needed to adopt her mothers value.

Tell the Truth

Truth telling is generally accepted as an intuitive value that should be commonly held.  Yet frequently people lie to avoid embarrassment or confrontation.  This is generally considered acceptable.

For example, I can’t make the party because I have an appointment might be an excuse you use to avoid attending a party even when there is no appointment.

Who is Right

Behavioural expectations can often be subjective and mostly based on the expectors value system.  This can cause conflict and stress people by expecting them to shift their value system and conform.

Often majority rules is used as a justification for this.  Polite society must have some boundaries.

There is no definitive answer to the issue of different perception of values and their associated behaviours but it helps to recognize this ambiguity does exist and needs to be dealt with.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

W.A.I.T.

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I attended a communications workshop today a came away with some new concepts.  These ideas around how to understand your own communication behaviours are worth sharing.

The communication spectrum

In a very simple model, your communication behaviours can be mapped to your level of confidence and comfortability.

On the left side of the spectrum you feel very vulnerable, typically your participation in meetings and conversations is limited.  On the far right of the spectrum you you are happy to speak out to the point of appearing aggressive and dominant.

Those on the far left focus on others while those on the far right focus on themselves.  Behaving in a balanced way focuses your communications on whats best for everyone.

Speak and Listen

Balanced communication require constant awareness.  You must be attentive to all things going on and behave accordingly.  This cannot be intermittant but rather perpetual.

When you are speaking on a subject, occassionally pause and think to yourself W.A.I.T .  This is the acronym for why am I talking.  It is a great self check to prevent you talking too much.

Self Aware

Be clear about how you feel, (i.e., assertive) but also empathetic of all others who are participating in the communication is critical to keeping your behavior balanced.

if you are talking for yourself it usually has little effect and  creates a barrier to your ability to gain the greatest benefit form shared discussion.

Treat your communication focus on we and us not I and you.  The results will really please you.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Planning

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I am a firm believer that planning always accounts for at least 60% of the effort  and duration associated with any successful initiative .  In this context the term  initiatives represents the work to deal with a particular problem or for achieving a particular purpose.  

Initiatives require a plan and if not formally developed, documented and used, both the effectiveness and duration of the initiative are negatively impacted.

Building a plan.

In its simplest form planning entails determining what needs to be done, priority, timing, dependencies and resources.  Plans predict outcomes and since the predictions can be influenced by many factors changing plans as work progresses is normal.

(Only magicians with crystal balls that work magically don’t have this need for changes).

Without a plan it is impossible to measure how effectively the work is being completed.  For those that don’t like planning this is a key benefit, it is hard to be held accountable.

The fact accountbility becomes subjective is good for those responsible for the work, not so much for those expecting superior outcomes.

Making Decisions

The most important benefit associated with plans is actually not how efficiently work can be done (as opposed to chaotic progress) but rather the ability to make good decisions.

The questions, should we do this or that or even undertake this initiative at all can be well informed by predicting what it takes to do it.

Of course comparing the effort and duration associated with different options can be a really good start to determining the best option.

 

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Trust

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Our lives involve interacting with others.  Even hermits, whom by definition limit their interactions, do need to deal with others to a point.

Whether we are getting things done through others or they through us, trust is a critical consideration.  This even applies to neutral transactions or information sharing.

Trust Me!

Trust represents our  belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of things.  That can apply to ourselves, someone or something else.

Practicing a high level of trust in those you are interracting with can lay a foundation for a good relationship.  Trust is often not one way, belief that others trust you tends to support your trusting them.

Trusting other people or things is a risk.  The results might not be as expected and potential issues or problems can be mitigated through the practice of limited levels or no trust at all.

This is a double edged sword as a lack of trust can cause a negative reaction and associated bad outcomes.   The balance of trust granted in any situation is a critical factor in the final denouement.

Confirm not Control

By establishing the truth or validity of a thing unobtrusively (i.e., confirmation) you can mitigate the risk of being too trusting.  Handled in a straightforward on hands off way  this check does not diminish the perceived trust.

Conversley,  getting involved and directly managing outcomes (i.e., contolling) can eliminate perceived trust and any associated benefits.