Tag Archives: self control

I am right

Occassionally I have participated in discussions where assumptions are presented as facts.  Even worse, those assumptions can frequently take the form of an attack.

For example, “you are not listening to me”.  In fact these statements typically represent a subjective opinion , albeit presented with factual authority.

These are the worst kind of conversation.  Rarely do they achieve anything beyond creating animosity and bad will.  Which leads to the questions like why does this happen?

Seeking Something

Logic dictates conversations, discussions and meetings have purpose.  Whether it just be a cheerful discourse to make you feel good, exchange of information, plotting actions or a myriad of other things, ultimately there is a reason.

Animosity and bad will are probably seldom the goal.  Why would anyone initiate and sustain a discussion that could lead to  sadness or disappointment.  What is the point?

Feeding the Ego

Everyone is important.  Sometimes people get the feeling you don’t understand their importance.  This is one of the triggers of these difficult conversations.

The fictional Vulcan race from the Star Trek franchise are founded in logic.  By removing emotion from the equation, like the Vulcans do,  the type of discourse I have described here does not occur.

That is, assumption based attack focused conversations require strong emotions to be present.  With emotions removed from the equation,  solely reacting logically rather than how you feel (or a combination thereof) eliminates the possibility of a bad conversational experience.

In these cases the focus is on the outcome.  The objective is far more likely to be attained.

Making Mistakes

When your action or judgment is misguided or wrong we call that a mistake.  Regardless of the magnitude or visibility, acting or deciding wrongly is a mistake.

Of course, the outcomes and consequences of the mistake might not be in accordance with the type or level of the error.  That is to say a small error could have serious consequences.

And the Oscar goes to……..

Last Sunday was an obvious case where a small slip has disasterous results.  A accountant who works for PWC (Price Waterhouse Coopers) gave the wrong envelope to Warren Beatty on Sunday.

This minor slip resulted in the wrong movie being given the best picture Oscar for a brief two and a half minutes.  More than long enough to create a massive, even monumental fuss.

Fate Intervenes

Warren got the wrong envelope with the wrong contents and under usual circumstances, you would expect he would recognize the winners card was incorrect and stop the train before the crash.

To be fair, Mr. Beatty is 79 and was slowly working through his mind  the puzzle of the strange winners card .  Faye Dunaway, his co star in the 1968 Oscar Best Picture nominated movie “Bonnie and Clyde” , was the co-presenter.

Unfortunately, the relationship between Faye and Warren was a little acromonious.  In particular she is known to have little patience with his slow considered approach.

So Faye, loosing patience with Warrens slow progress, snapped the card from Warren , glanced at it, and read the wrong winner.  And so the error that began with the wrong envelope was exposed.

Fortunately!

In this case the impact is large but certainly not irrepairable, after all  the winning movie was recognized.

I am a little sad for the PWC accountant who will probably bear the brunt of consequences  but really to some extent was only a victim of circumstance.

Leaving your comfort zone

Routine activities can provide you with a feeling of comfort.  By definition these are things you do regularly.  Overtime they become intuitive, there is little unknown and risk , doubt, stress levels are low.

Routine things are part of your comfort zone.  Knowledge, experience, and  skill levels are all high when you are in the zone. So why leave there?

Challenge Yourself

At the risk of being trite, life is meant to be lived to it fullest.  Staying in your comfort zone does not typically reflect living to the fullest. That is experiencing new things, embracing challenges and figuring it out.

Stay Balanced

This is not to suggest moving to an extreme behaviour and living on the edge.  There is the need for a balance between living in relative safety and stretching the envelope.

This balance is very personal and attached to you as a person.  For each of us, the amount of time spent in your comfort zone versus that spent bursting out of it  works best when it is the right mix that conforms to our personalities, value system and so on.

For Example

You may have worked for others as an employee for a long time, this is your comfort zone in the employment space.  You decide to change to self employed or become entrepreneurial and strike out on your own.

A balanced approach to this change could involve taking a part time job initially doing something you know well and are familiar to balance against the unfamiliar activities you are trying out.

 

Am I as good as I think I am?

Asking if you are as good as you think you are, is not necessarily questioning your level of self-confidence, rather it could be philosophical (what is good, who am I, etc) or it could be part of a continuous self  awareness check.

Switch it Around

Am I only as good as other people think I am?  Of course this begs the question “What do other people think of me?”  That question can be hard to answer truly objectively.

I have been fortunate enough to have past employers pay for a confidential survey of myself, colleagues, subordinates and supervisors, on several occasions.

This feedback is fabulous for capturing what you think of your own interpersonal behaviour skills and what others think.  It is anonymous, so theoretically the input should be objective.

The results could reinforce what you think (e.g., I work well with others and they agree) or could be the opposite (e.g., others don’t think I work well with them).

Of course this kind of deedback can go beyond whether you work well with others but can include how confident you are percieved to be, honesty, ability to motivate and so on.

If you can organize it, I strongly recommend these feedback tools as a great way to find out how what you think about yourself maps to what others think.

Could someone else do better?

When you move on from a situation, role or assignment it is always interesting to consider if your sucessor did better than you?  That is , am I so good there is no one better.

It is probably comforting to believe this may be true, but don’t forget the old saying “Anyone can be replaced”.  It might be truer than you think.

Behaviour and Motivation

Everthing a person does can be classified as behaviour.   Simply put behaviour is the way in which one acts or conducts oneself.  It’s probably safe to assume there is some motivation for your behaviour.

Why do you behave the way you do?

However you act, most likely the ultimate motive is self serving.  Cynically speaking even a charitable behaviour could be motivated by a personal need to be viewed as a caring and thoughtful person.

However, while a persons actions are exclusively self controlled the motivation (and therefore the resulting behaviour) could be influenced or impacted by others.

For example when you exclaim “you made me mad” to someone , it is an acknowledgement of their influence on you. To be correct though, only you could choose to be mad, regardless of the level or force or influence the other might have exercised.

Typically though, the influence of others can be a key motivator to our behaviour at any given time.

Leaders and Behaviour Motivation

A key leadership skill is to be able to behave in a way that results in the actions of others leading to positive outcomes.

A critical skill leaders can use to influence others is through awareness of the impact their behaviour is having .  That is the leader needs to do a real time assessment of the impacts they are having and changing focus accordingly, if needed.

If your happy and you know it……

Clap your hands.  A simple but accruate lyric to what is often thought of a little ditty for children to sing.  It is a motivational song with a purpose.

Happiness is a state of mind.  Really it is that simple.  To paraprhase the song, if your happy others will know by the way you behave.  Happy behaviour is much more pleasant than any other kind.

Constantly Happy

Let’s check the assumptions.  If happiness is a state of mind, it is your mind and only yours so you could choose to be happy all the time.  Is this a realistic assumption?

Obviously external and environmental factors, for example being subjected to  physical torture or starvation make the choice more diificult, perhaps even impossible.

Staying Happy

Admittedly,  there are factors that can impinge on your ability to maintain a state of happiness.  However, given happiness is a state of mind, you do have a lot of influence.

Consider:

  • through personal meditation, self talk or just deep thought be very clear what makes you happy
  • plan your behaviour around seeking and attaining happiness
  • remember always, not matter what rhe circumstances, environmental or contextual nothing can make you unhappy, really only you can do that.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL, no matter how hard it may seem, you DECIDE, no one else.

Managing Yourself in times of Sickness

I have had a cold for a little over a week.  I am still going to work and doing as much as I can, such is my personal value system.  Over the week I have noticed my personal tolerance filter is greatly reduced.

This is an interesting side effect of some illnesses that affects not only me but others as well.  It’s not uncommon to hear someone say, “He’s just irritable because he’s not feeling well” or something similar.

Behaviour Filters

Undoubtably, colds and fever can affect our behaviour.  I would suggest though this is not best described as irritable.  Rather, we don’t have the energy to filter our actions so in effect are just more direct.

The directness might translate to “bad sorts” resulting from poor health.  More accurately we are probably acting the way we would like to but usually don’t.  After all we are social animals and don’t want others to think badly about the way we behave.

Quick to Anger

Whether sick or not, our ability to practice anger management is a critical part of how others percieve us.

Certainly, some do it better than others but most definitely make some attempts to control their potentialy violent actions driven from anger as much as they can (i.e. things like; shouting, pouting or some physical outburst).

When you are sick, this self control becomes much more difficult and episodes of poor anger management are far more likely.

Make Sure Others Know How You Feel

It makes sense to me to ensure others are aware of it when you are feeling ill.  The gains some level of sympathy and is helpful in offsetting the bad impressions people get when you act out for no other reason than you feel crumby and don’t have the energy for your normal level of self control.