Tag Archives: empathy

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

The big picture

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I have often posted about leaders traits.  The focus have been on skills that define effective and powerful leaders.  The other day in a conversation with some friends I came to the realization knowing  things not to do is as important as knowing what to do.

That is even if you are aware of and consciously work on being an exceptional leader practising behaviours that are known to work, what if unconsciously your core philosophy on how to interact with others is flawed.

What matters most

The underlying tenant of leadership is ability to enable greatness across all stakeholders be it followers ,peers, subordinates or whatever defined relationship you  have with everyone you interact with.

A leaders power is derived from others and to be effective leaders need to focus those stakeholders needs.  Leaders who believe at their core “it’s all about me” will definitely fail over time.

Others recognize the inward focus and ultimately even if they continue to “follow” the leader it is not because they want to but rather some less powerful motivation which may continue for sometime but will likely be unsustainable over the long term.

It’s about others first

Both consciously and unconsciously leaders must not focus on their needs first.  Outstanding leaders value everyone and focus on t(e greater good rather than personal avarice.

Exaggerated examples of this concept are evident throughout history when considering dictators like the infamous  Adolph Hitler who clearly focused on his own needs.  He demonstrated time and again, to his detriment the world revolved around him.

There are many skills to help us be great leaders there are many skills we can leverage but if at the core are focus is inward facing we will fail.

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Leading without Followers is not Leading

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Each of us has a variety of people whom we consider to be our leaders from time to time depending on the context (i.e., our group, organization, geographic region)

These leaders might be our choice or by a combination of appointment and personal selection.  Their power might have been earned by them, granted to them, or a combination of earned and granted.

Power Base

To lead you must have a power base.  This can be something you developed through your actions or perhaps you are designated the leader by dint of organization or election.

More often than not guile, wit and intellectual prowess versus physical strength are the cornerstones of effective leadership although the use of brute force has been known to be somewhat effective if not usually sustainable over long periods.

Followers

Even if you are designated as a leader, without followers you are nothing.   Typically if you disaffect your followers because of inappropriate behavior your leadership days will be numbered.

This applies whether you earn your power base or start with it by default.  If you are not able to gather and retain followers there is nothing to lead and by definition, you are no longer a leader.

Observe

Effective leaders are aware of how their followers view them and most importantly are empathetic with how their followers are feeling.

Without empathy, followers will view you as a narcissist.  This adulation will most likely be brief and accompanied by mass defection.  Leaders need to be focused on their followers not on themselves

The most effective leaders, those that both retain and build their followers observe carefully and then act accordingly.

 

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Identity Empathy

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Everyone has an ego which basically defines our sense of self-esteem or self-importance.  Ego originates the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

Whether working or socializing with others, our ability to understand and share how others define themselves (i.e., their ego) is a critical aspect of positive interpersonal interactions.

Gaining Consensus

Being empathetic to others requires understanding and reacting in synergy with their ego. This works to enable  other  people, through a combination of both their conscious and unconscious thoughts and  feelings, to naturally feel they  have been fairly recognized.

This creates a belief you appreciate them even in cases of strong disagreement and provides a powerful base for collaboration even in cases of strong disagreement.

Respect can open a lot of doors even in the face of dissension.  False respect is usually quickly identified by others.  Sincerity is key and by taking the time and effort to understand  another (i.e., practicing empathy) and behave accordingly your sincerity will be accepted.

Recognition

Recognition does not have to be praiseworthy or even founded on agreement.  However to be effective it needs to be clearly communicated whether verbally or through action (or both).

Acknowledging another’s worth speaks directly to their ego and even if your acknowledgement does not align with their position just letting them know you believe in them and understand their value leads to lasting high quality results ( this belief must be recognized as true or it will cause more damage than anything else).

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Understanding

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When used as an adjective the term understanding refers to the ability or practice of being sympathetically aware of other people’s feelings and using that sympathy to be tolerant and forgiving.

As a noun, the word is broadly about comprehension.  Being understanding of others does require comprehension of their situation so the adjective usage is consistent.

Empathy and Understanding

The practice of understanding is key to being empathetic.  To share how others are feeling and be sympathetic to it, we need to be able to have an understanding of what they are feeling.

Using empathy is key to being able to engage and interact with other people in the most effective way.  The key to practicing empathy is not to lose sight of the fact that while it is all about you, being understanding of others actually helps you.

For most of us, living as a hermit is not enjoyable.  We need to enjoy interacting with others and being empathetic will help you to do that.

So treating others with understanding is required even for self centred people.    It might be all about you but without positive interactions others you probably won’t be happy.

Not Charity

What I am suggesting is basic respect for others. This is not being charitable by assisting those in need or acting favourably toward them.

Understanding others is a bi-directional practice.  Your understanding coupled with their understanding leads to healthy and happy relationships.  These are enjoyable and after all is that not what we seek.

 

 

 

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Knowing Yourself

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Before you can understand others you must understand yourself.  In basic terms, self-understanding is your own awareness of and ability to understand the rationale for your taking of an action and reasons behind your reaction to actions taken by others.

This is not to imply that others will only act within the realm of your value system and personal motivations.  Being aware of your self provides a framework to map another person’s behaviors against, for understanding, not for judging.

Not Judging

Of course, we all judge ourselves, sometimes to our determent and often this extends to judging others.  Understanding is not about judging, rather it is knowledge.

Knowing the facts, information, and skills applicable to the situation, derived through experience or education, enables us to gain either a theoretical or practical understanding of others.

Your own experience and education are the foundation from which you can assess others behaviors and most importantly respond accordingly.

By not judging, rather, using an informed and therefore highly accurate knowledge-based assessment to understand why others do what they do your response can be measured, reasonable and most likely well received.

More than Seeing Yourself

Self-understanding goes beyond just viewing yourself in a mirror.  The view you see in a  mirror show what you look like only superficially and real understanding is much deeper than that.

How you think and behave is really what matters for ongoing interactions with others.  Understanding yourself at a deep inner level is key to being able to manage your responses to another’s behavior in the most effective way.

That is, to react in a way that will create a positive experience for everyone involved you need to understand why that would be the case.

 

Random thoughts – keeping you on your toes

Oh behave!

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One of my favorite movie scenes is from Austin Powers International Man of Mystery.  It is  Austins response to the movies femme fatales offer to slip into something more comfortable.

“Oh behave, baby!”

Defined by our Behaviour

How do each of us assess others?  Basically, you start with the apparent, appearance, grooming and so on, moving on to speech, actions and non verbal communications.

All these things, from grooming to non verbal communication queues are derived from a persons behaviour.  So it is not a stretch to conclude how well you control your behaviour is key to achieving your goals.

Self Awarenes

Self awareness is the practice of being intimately aware of both your and others behaviours at any point in time, constantly analyzing the impacts and outcomes of your own behaviour (within context of those around you) and molding your actions to achieve the desired results.

To lead others, whether via the traditional “in front” practice or more innovatively from virtual or pheripheral places where physical positioning is irrelevant, the ability to behave in a self aware way is foundational for success.

In the simplest terms everything you do from how you dress, walk or talk to your written communications, facial expressions, emotional vibrations (what people sense about you) must be conciously managed.

Everything is carefully orchestrated to realize planned outcomes.  You know what you want to achieve and through awareness of your own and others strengths and weaknesses (expressed behaviourally) you get what you want.

The practice of strong and effective self awarness behaviours alone might not make you a great leader but it undoubtedly frames you for success.